Gratitude

 It's been a few weeks now and although I still feel the burn, I have already taken my first baby steps into recovery. In many ways, I am no longer the person I used to be only just a few months ago. Realistically, I am not the same person I used to be yesterday and I may not be the same person tomorrow.

When you're down a deep, dark hole, getting back up and out of it can be daunting and often it may seem easier just to sit and do nothing about your circumstances. 

I choose to climb out, reassured by the fact that the only person who truly cares about me is myself. I recognize that only I have the power to change--not the things around me, but how I perceive things and make my own internal transformation. 

Historically, I only sat down to write when things were really down and I think it still holds true today. I often wrote about my pain and it somehow made me feel better albeit in a melancholic sense. This piece is written under the same inspiration. 

Today, I choose to live. I choose to move forward. I choose to leave behind whatever it is that has been holding me back. I choose not to be tethered to a past and people who no longer serve a useful purpose in my life.

In the last few months of 2024, I chose to dissociate myself from social groups which went against my core beliefs and principles. Subsequently, I have decreased my visibility on social media, concentrating more on my own pages and creating content that reflect my philosophies and sensibilities.

Discipline has been a key factor in starting this journey. 

I started out with a plan to transform myself physically through a brutal diet program that not many will survive. Weight gain was never a problem for me but just the same, I am much more agile and mentally sharper when stripped down.

Although I still have trouble sleeping, I make an effort to get out of bed and deprive myself of afternoon naps. 

Although it is a struggle, I have been depriving myself of all the sweet pastries and drinks I have been addicted to and my alcohol intake has been at its lowest since 2021.

Biking has been replaced with a 40-minute, non-stop brisk walk in the evening in the hope of facilitating slumber or at least to have some semblance of a workout. 

The next step is accepting and embracing discomfort.

This concept is something I always preached and have been familiar with all my life. It is very rare that I decline a challenge. I learned how to rappel to get over my fear of heights. I pursued a career in EMS because the sight of blood and death scared me. 

Being comfortable teaches you nothing but complacency. People would rather drive to anywhere in their air-conditioned cars than take the 5-minute walk and soak up all that natural Vitamin D of direct sunlight and sweat a little to burn calories.

I have learned to be thankful for my troubled past relationships whether they were former teachers, co-workers, clients, or even random strangers who at one point, caused me to utter a, "Fuck you!" if only for a brief moment.

I am grateful for the years I spent in Baguio growing up. When I lived there, I always wanted to be back in Manila but I cannot deny that Baguio and the Boy Scouts made me what I am today. It was there where I felt totally alone despite being with family. It was there where I had to learn to make friends with a culture so alien from what I was used to.

Baguio taught me to appreciate walking as a means of getting around. In my youth, 10-kilomenters was a short walk over uneven or inclined roads. Even as a young adult trying to make it in Manila, walking was a big part of going places and it would on more than one occasion by a vital survival skill which came in handy during a major typhoon.

Baguio would teach me how to appreciate nature and choose the rustic accommodations of the forest on a weekend rather than indulge in the pleasures of the city. To this day, I would not pass up the opportunity to leave the metropolis to play airsoft in the jungles of Montalban or just take an easy stroll in Antipolo or Manila Bay.

It was in our ancestral house in Happy Glen Loop that I learned to cook, Dinengdeng and mastered the art of kinirog. On sunny weekends, I learned to hand wash my clothes and the finer points of sewing. At 14 years old, I could mend any tear on my jeans and even fabricate hand-stitched pouches or slings for camping and hiking.

Becoming a Boy Scout was one of the best decisions I ever made in my young life. Not only did I learn to appreciate the great outdoors but it was one of my first opportunities to teach a younger generation of boys from the elementary department. The confidence I gained as a public speaker is a direct product of those years.

The Boy Scouts back then taught boys how to become MEN!

Though I never realized it until much later in life, becoming a MAN was something that would distinguish me and help me through a myriad of challenges whether it was in the home or personal or in the professions I chose to take on.

I am grateful that I dropped out of school early on. Having no formal education to back me up allowed me to think for myself and I was no longer limited in aspirations. I was free to do whatever it was I wanted.

No formal education meant that I had to be better than most, proving myself to people and making my accomplishments--NOT my diploma--validate my worth.

Being a high school dropout gave me no excuse to slack off. It made me push harder to go places and earn trust. Whatever it was and wherever I was in the world was something I worked my ass off for! I am not some certificate-brandishing, college grad fucker who hides behind the pieces of toilet paper to hide his incompetence. 

Yes, I do intimidate people and I have a very small social circle because of this but I will never apologize for doing my job well.

I am grateful for all the fiascoes in my life: the failed marriage; failing grades in school; failed relationships and health issues. If not for these, I never would have made the necessary course corrections needed to take me where I am now.

Though it hurts to say it, my failed marriage opened a whole new world for me. I was set free to do more of what I really wanted: I became a director, actor, producer in the television industry; I was able to pursue my passion for the outdoor activities like airsoft, rappelling and shooting; I became a journalist and eventually landed a position in the highest government office as a Presidential Writer; my current incarnation as an EMT is something that baffles my closest friends former colleagues in the media.

I am grateful to every person who ever hurt me. Had it not been for the stress inoculation, my tolerance for emotional pain might not have been significant. I learned to suck things up and carry on with my life, realizing that these were merely tests of my endurance and grit. To the ordinary person, I seem like a retard oblivious to the world outside but what they fail to see is the unimaginable amount of control I have to exercise just to prevent myself from putting a tight grip on their necks.

I am grateful for the bodily aches and pains that remind me of my age. If not for these signs, I never would have discovered a more meaningful lifestyle. No, I may not have a healthy diet but I have a very disciplined diet program. I have weaned myself from my main addictions of sugar and junkfood. I am nowhere near "clean living" but I have made significant changes in my day to day routine that many would consider, "brutal".

I am grateful for lacking the financial capability to buy or own a car. Because of that, I learned to navigate the city better on foot and have enjoyed the physical benefits of walking. As long as I can see it with my eyes, I am certain that I will get there.

Not having enough money to get things I want has taught me how to live in simplicity and to appreciate what I already have. In my youth, I learned to fabricate stuff and the art of improvisation which still comes in handy to this day. 

Being mostly broke also precluded me from eating on impulse and taught me that I could endure skipping meals for long periods of time. My current physique is proof of the benefits of controlling or even suppressing appetite.

I will forever be grateful to my Papa for letting me handle a camera. Photography is more than a passion for me. It is a refuge and a gateway to my inner soul. Through a lens, I saw the world as it really was and I learned to question and to seek a deeper meaning in things. There was always a story behind the image and the image had to tell a story. Because I had a camera, I was able to go to places and experience things that all the money in the world cannot buy. 

My life is rich because of the memories I've captured on film. 

I am grateful for my mother who had a peculiar way of raising us. Yes, I missed out on a lot of things in my youth including the ability to drive a car but somehow the restrictions forced me to be more creative and I was able to devise ways for more meaningful pursuits that distinguished me from other kids. My mom's bullishness somehow rubbed off on me and this trait comes in handy whenever I needed to assert myself in some situations.

I am grateful for my brothers who've been very supportive of me all throughout. We were bitter enemies in our younger years but we have become inseparable as we matured. They will always be my best friends and the only people who will have my back no matter what!

I am especially grateful to my children who, despite the separation, remain closely bonded to me. Everytime we see each other it feels like the years never passed between us and they will be there cheering me on whatever it was I chose to be in this life. 

I am grateful to have been trusted with the responsibility of parenthood. I may not be the perfect father but I pride myself as being a good father figure to my children. Not many are blessed to have kids and fewer still are qualified to be parents.

I am grateful to people outside of family who've extended a helping hand when I was down. I remember a lady whom I barely knew who put me up for the night and fed me when I was kicked out of my home many years ago.

Today, I benefit from the kindness of another person who put me up not only for the night but for as long as I could get back on my feet again. Because of him, I have a decent job and one I can truly be proud of. 

I am grateful for every little thing both good and bad because each has its own merits and purpose. It is up to us to decide whether to bless or curse these.

Lastly, I am grateful for PTSD. It may sound weird but this is nothing new to me. It has been with me off and on for the last three decades and it is something I have learned to live with. I am grateful for all the traumatic experiences I have gone through becuase they have made me more resilient and more mindful of my mental health. It's like running on uneven ground with a full glass of water and hoping not to spill a drop. 

Because of that, I learned to be careful with each step.