Course Correction

In a perfect world, there would be you and me. Perfection is what we are with all our flaws and frailties. I could think of all the women I went for and until recently, those who have caught my eye but not my heart and I noticed a pattern—something that repeated itself over and over until my last failed attempt at happiness.

As I go farther along this journey, I have noticed major changes in how I see things. Maybe I should say, I’ve been looking at the world with my own eyes until I was blinded. I have always gone against the grain but for some reason, some fluke of human nature compelled me to conform to what was deemed, “normal” and “proper”.

While many consider 2020 a bad year, I see it as deliverance from my previous sins. If anything, the year was a “rude awakening” or an epiphany. I am no longer the person I was towards the end of December. In almost a blink of an eye, I made a 180-degree turn towards the light. No, I am not speaking of religion or faith. Each one of us has his own idea of Nirvana or Heaven or Paradise. As children, we were all forced into beliefs that we would either dispel or turn away from or even go against, later in life.

As a teenager discovering the wonders of puberty, I have constantly been bombarded with imagery and a certain criteria for the “perfect woman” and all that jazz. I was brainwashed into believing that the “Perfect 10” would possess a chiseled face, curved anatomy, silky long hair, and so on. These features would be the metrics for what men in general would consider, “beautiful” and desirable and worth taking home to Mother.

For decades, I have pursued these same attributes in a woman but at the same time, I would match them with criteria of my own specifically, substance. I would always look beyond and beneath the exterior and I would always be disappointed when a pretty face lacked the brains to turn me on. I hate to think that after a wild and rough, “roll in the hay”, there’d be nothing to do but light a cigarette and take a swig from my beer.

Eventually, I would meet and hook up with highly intelligent women who make men drool. I would never shy away from what many consider, “intimidating” personalities. I would somehow be able to handle them but over time, things between me and my current flame usually end up burned. With each new affair, I had hoped things would change but unfortunately, I was going after the same thing but expecting that the outcome would turn out different. I was always wrong, of course.

Rarely did I meet someone who fit the bill perfectly. That’s a given. No one is ever perfect. I can never be perfect. Just when I thought I was close to home, something bad happens and I am forced to go back out on the road and keep walking.

Tired, drained and numb, I come by a few “possibles” but I realize that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. So, I walked and I walked but one day, I decided to stop and take a breather. I went away from the city and up North, where much of my formative years were spent. I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger, “killing” the old me.

In a matter of a few days, away from friends and social media, I had a chance to think and revive myself. I have gone through a “reset” and my life started to re-boot itself. In almost an instant, I opened my eyes and saw the world clearly but differently now. Suddenly, everything I believed in as a kid and a young adult were all but a vague recollection of a former life—distant and alien.

I buried myself in books and poetry and Shakespeare and Waller. I went back to where I first matured and where I first discovered I wanted everything my peers didn’t care for. I began to lose interest in material things and wealth and stunning, beautiful women. I have let go of mental and emotional baggage. I have rebuilt myself from the ground up. Looking in the mirror as I write this, I am no longer who I used to be and I have no intention of going back to the dark places I’ve been. I am tired of the monsters and demons that have haunted and craved my soul.

But despite the changes I’ve made in myself, the transformation was far from complete. I needed a catalyst. I needed a spark to light the flame again.

Then she walked in. Ethereal! 

She was all I needed to make the metamorphosis absolute! The tiny spark she lit is now a conflagration—consuming me uncontrollably. I could line up a string of the prettiest women I could think of but she would always stand out. I couldn’t think of anyone who occupies the top of my head as she does. I couldn’t think of her and not feel joy, bliss, elation and inspiration!

“Is this forever?”—a friend asked. I couldn’t answer that but I know this is but the beginning of a much more difficult evolution. This is the part where things get challenging. This is when I begin to cross the line into the point of no return. To me, the outcome doesn’t matter much. What is essential is that I get to profess my love for her and my gratitude for what she has done for me.

I often hear people describe me as, “legendary”. I honestly have no idea how I earned the adulation. For me, it is she who is legendary. Thus, my love (for her) is LEGENDARY!