My Temple

 Life is a combination of mixed blessings and missed opportunities. Having had the time to worship in my rappel temple today, I reflected on the last few weeks; the emptiness that seemed to fill me, the longing and aching to be with her, finally getting my PDW, the long holiday with the kids and many other interesting events.

I’m getting accustomed to the quiet life; being an employee in a reputable media company, having a “coffee solitaire”, contemplative moments on the train from La Salle to Muñoz and nights in the editing suite hunched over a laptop writing for the next day’s episode.


Being alone on the tower has been a regular occurrence lately. I choose to go when it’s empty and I can have all 12-lanes to myself. Today, I did 8-rope transfers, 1-invert, 2-free rappel jumps, 3-swan dives, 1-mission impossible, 2-Australian jumps and 2-ascents to make up for the last time I was on-rope a few months back. (I can’t remember the last time I jumped!)


It was about the same time last year when I frequented the tower in my spare time. I had a lot of it back then and I would be on-rope at least 3 times a week! That was where I settled a lot of emotional pain. That was where I found the strength to move forward. That was my connection to the “Maker”!


Rappelling has become more than a sport to me. I have built up my confidence because of it. I have found peace because of it. I have developed the capability to understand and forgive because of it and through it I realized how some can be strong or prone to falter.


The hours I’ve spent dangling on the rope have taught me to look beyond and beneath the surface. That was how I recovered from Karla whom I should thank profusely. If not for her, I wouldn’t push myself as hard as I did and learned from what we had. I appreciate her more now that we’re not together. I bear no ill feelings for her; no hatred or pain. I know now that she had a purpose in my life as other women and other events have.


I was also on the tower when I got the call from Rachel, when she assigned me to my second show.


This afternoon I made a conscious effort to detach myself from the temporal world and dig deeper into my soul—to seek forgiveness from those I may have wronged.


My life has changed considerably since that afternoon in Nancy’s place. Something magical happened there; something spiritual and intangible that only she who experienced it with me will ever understand.


On the tower today, I relived the walk in the dark. I could hear her voice distinctly as the night I first met her from across a table at a party. I recalled the way she smelled at night as we lay down and I cradled her in my arms. I can still smell the cigar smoke from that night at Gloria Jean’s in Galleria—a stub from which I still keep with me. I look back at the nights we spent together; dinners, drinks after the wrap, watching a thunderstorm from Antipolo and reviewing rushes from a shoot we just did.


Much of this has become a mere Flickr page—a digital archive of a notch on a timeline.


Not a day went by the last few weeks since without her image popping up as a broken frame in my mental monitor. I wonder now—as I did with Karla—how she is. I am praying she is cared for the way she deserves.


I have since developed a predilection for Belgian Waffles and Strawberry Filled doughnuts as a form of atonement, maybe? I still frequent old haunts and discover new ones in the hope that I may take her there one day. What we had was too good to let go of but then again it may have been exactly why we should part.


I do things differently now. I’m back to carrying a single mobile phone. I go straight home after work except on Friday nights when the team goes out for drinks after the live broadcast. I don’t surf the net as much as I do and I’m back to watching movies alone. I am a lot calmer now and I get more sleep. I don’t have as much free time as I want but I still get to squeeze in some personal engagements somehow.


I know I caused her some degree of pain. From the tower today, I could feel it. I understood it. I whispered an apology, hoping that the warm breeze would carry my plea for forgiveness to wherever she may be now and packed up my gear for one last jump. The day was ending the way it began for me.


Up in my temple as the sun slowly faded into the horizon in a soft pink glow, I saw her smile. It was time to leave.


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