Mukha ba Akong Nagyoyosi ng Marlboro Lights?

(Originally published 11.8.2012)

Pardon me for going ballistic...I just can't seem to get over the fact that some delays in life are caused by little lapses or plain stupidity. This note was not meant to deride anyone--just an airing of an appeal for good old common sense.

I guess it's by no fault of mine that I live in a district close to a very exclusive, "Ivy League" university and an equally elitist, all-ladies college. I would guess that more than half of the students in this area are somehow addicted to nicotine as I am and so...

It gets to be a drag when I walk up to a convenience store counter and SPECIFICALLY AND EXPLICITLY request for a pack of MARLBORO RED--not Lights Gold, not Lights Green or Lights Black--just RED and the store clerk whether male, female or gender indeterminate will automatically hand over the wrong merchandise....wtf Jack?

Abs: "Isang kahang Marlboro...RED!"

Tindera: "Red po?"

Abs: "Yes, Red."

Tin: "Ilan po?"

Abs: "Isang kaha."

Tin: "Isang kaha po ng Red?"

Abs: "OO, 'sang kaha na!"

(Tindera hands over white pack of Marlboro Lights...puta!)

This reminds me of another encounter in a fastfood restaurant:

Indeterminate Gender Crew: "Good afternoon, welcome to Mang Donat's! Kehn ai tek yorr ohder, ser?"

Abs: "Isang Cheeseburger Meal, regular coke and fries...dine-in."

IGC: "ketchapicha pie, ser?"

Abs: "Ano, PISO pa???"

IGC: "No, ser...ketchapichapie?"

Abs: "Ha, Me pizza na sa Mang Donat's????"

IGC: "Noh, serrrr...maka ngusto nyo ng khey-tsap?"

Abs: "Ah, pota kinabahan ako sayo eh! Sige, dalawang KETCHAP!!"

IGC: "Ser, ano DRIMPS nyo???"

Abs: "tangenanaman oh!"

In another similar fastfood place which was situated in a bus terminal along the highway to Southern Luzon....

It had been a long way from Naga City and the bus had been traveling a few hours without stopping. I dozed off and awoke to see a familiar yellow "M" welcoming my hungry tummy! I quickly got up from my seat, jumped off the bus and fell into the queue which at the time seemed lengthy. I was worried that the line would take all of the 25-minute stopover allotment.

I had the Cheeseburger programmed in my head. I would utter the words like a mindless android just for the sake of clarity, hoping that the counter crew would sense some urgency in my tone and come forth with the yellow-wrapped sandwich with the pickles and mustard, fries and the covered cup with the Coke.

That was how I had envisioned the scenario: Crew asks, I order, order come, I pay and leave--SIMPLE!

What I hadn't calculated was the fact that an elderly woman was ahead of me and had quite a mouthful of orders--obviously for more than one! The order-taking process had been smooth as clockwork. I would've been outta there in like, 5.72 minutes or so my on-board, mental computer told me and I would have at least 4.81 minutes to sneak a cigarette after I demolish my meal.

As I was running the numbers through my head, the conversation between the counter clerk and the lady was a faint murmuring echo. I was humming "Here Without You" when suddenly...as clear as blue sky...

the words: "....puwede bang imbes na coke eh ice tea na lang?"

Oh Fucking Crap!

Suddenly, the tune playing in my head felt like the guitar player had broken a string and the loose end hitting him in the face letting out a guttural scream! I was hearing a Marine yelling: "INCOMING!!!" and subsequently, a deafening explosion!

It was like being in an empty room when a Flash-Bang goes off.

The clerk was stunned at the request...."P-u-w-d-e-b-a-n-g-i-m-b-e-s-n-a-c-o-k-e-i-c-e-t-e-a-n-a-l-a-n-g-?"

Houston, we HAVE a Problem!

And for what seemed like an eternity, the world stood still as the ambient noise turned into muffled echoes.

CTRL + ALT + DEL.........this program is not responding........END NOW?

Luckily, a younger lady said: "Ma, huwag na ice tea."

And the world returned to normalcy.

And I got my cheeseburger.

But I lost time for the ciggie break! WTF